Guilt
By: Pi-Zero
“Hey guys, look at this!” Joe held up a tattered piece of
paper…
-----------------
Hello... my name is Tad. Yeah, I know, a stupid name but it's
mine. I was a pretty average guy before the... well I'll
start at the beginning. My name is Tad. I'm 5'8' about
average. I'm not built, I've got a slim swimmer's build with
a pretty nice body. My skin is pretty pale, noticable in the
pool and sometimes a source of jokes. My hair is blond, so
blond that in the summer people ask if I'm albino. What the
hell? Don't they see my blue eyes? It's insulting, not so muh
that they think I'm albino but that they don't bother to look
before they speak. Not surprising, I suppose, no one does...
I've always been an average guy. I was decent at sports,
pretty good in school, had normal friends. The only thing
'not normal' was that I was gay. I hid it pretty well, some
people may have suspected but no one guessed... that is until
college. In college I continued to be pretty normal. I had a
normal roommate, who I got along with reasonably well. I did
well but not spectacularly in my classes. Then I had to take
P.E. By some freak chance I ended up in a class with many of
the most attractive guys in the school. Unfortunately for me,
they were also the most homophobic.
Before you jump to conclusions let me tell you, this isn't
like so many of those stories where a guy can't keep his eyes
off the jocks and so he gets his brains fucked out by the
entire locker room. No, that wasn't the problem. I was far
too smart for that, get caught looking at one of these guys
and getting fucked would not have been my worry. No I would
be crippled. If I was lucky, of course. More likely I would
end up bleeding to death in a gutter. You see, equal rights
for all never reached this area, and I couldn't afford to go
anywhere else, they had offered me more money than I could
possibly turn down. But back to the story, no I didn't look
at the guys and, as it turned out, that's what destroyed me.
You see, in their testosterone addiction haze, the jocks
laughed and joked about how many girls they had fucked,
slapping each other in beloved fraternity and other such
nonsense. Not feeling or wanting to be a part of this, and
worried about my safety, I steered clear of all this. That
was my undoing.
I was on my way home one day, as it was getting dark. As I
cut through a back alley to get home faster a shadow arose
out of the darkness an blocked my path. Always nervous about
being alone in the dark, I was running, and so ran directly
into him. It was a guy named Chad from my P.E. class and the
football team. This guy was huge (like 6'8') and built like a
tank. Needless to say I bounced off him and landed flat on my
ass. He reached down and lifted me up. 'Hi Tad, what're you
doing out on a night like this? A little guy like you could
run into an accident out here.' I didn't like the way he had
accented 'accident' it sounded false, slippery like it was
coated with glistening poisonous oil. I tried to back away
but Chad's hand was firm on my shoulder, preventing me from
going anywhere. 'Where are you running off to Tad? Don't you
like me?' Now I was scared, really scared. This was turning
into my worst nightmare pretty quickly. Chad was talking
again, 'You know you aren't subtle fag boy. You're so careful
NOT to look at us, you won't even meet our eyes. Scared
you'll pop a boner?' I started to stutter a denial, 'No! No!
I don't...' Chad made a chopping motion with his free hand to
cut me off, 'Shut up and don't deny it you little shit you
like sucking men don't you? You're one of those fucking
queer's aren't you? Aren't you!?!' 'Shit' I thought, 'I'm
going to die, here goes my life, flashing before my eyes...'
Chad spoke again after a brief pause, 'No denial? Not
surprised, now prepare to die queerbait.' He threw me
backwards into the wall. My head cracked against the wall and
stars flashed across my vision. Chad raised his fist, 'Eat me
you fucker!' His fist came towards me as if in slow motion,
aimed towards my face, a wrecking ball with more than enough
force to drive fragments of bone into my brain, killing me.
Probably enough force to render my face completely
unrecognizable. I raised my arms in panic and screamed,
'NOOOOO!'
Something snapped. I could feel it tearing through my middle,
a sharp flash of lightning that seared through my entire
being and glazed my vision a brilliant scintillating white.
Slowly my vision began to clear. I was dead. I had to be. How
could Chad not have killed me? But as my vision cleared, the
alley was revealed to me just as I had left it. But where was
Chad? I looked around, what had happened? If he had run off I
should be able to see his departing form. Getting over my
shock I felt a sharp pain in my nose. Reaching up with a
trembling hand I touched my face and recoiled in pain.
Lightning and daggers shot through my face and my hand came
away dripping with blood. My nose was very broken, probably
irreparably so.
A surging wave of nausea swept through me as the shock faded,
followed soon after by a hot white hot anger. How dare he?
How dare he think he could kill me? How dare he disfigure me
for life and run off like a coward? If only I could get my
hands on him now. I would ring his neck. I'd kill him! I'd...
a flicker of movement. There on the ground... what was it? I
looked closer, moving slowly so as not to cause myself more
dizziness than necessary. There, moaning and in miniature was
a tiny man! No... a tiny CHAD!!! He shrunk! Suddenly it
clicked, the pop, the flash, why I wasn't dead... I shrunk
him just as he had hit me! He was only about three inches
tall! I watched him in silence for several minutes before, he
slowly came awake, looked up, and screamed. AAAAAAAAAAAHH
TAD! I shrank! You've got to help me man! Get me to a doctor!
Something!!!!' My anger at his actions came back as i looked
down at this pathetic little man, so recently about to kill
me, now begging for my help. I sneered, 'Sure I'll help you
Chad.' A look of relief came across his face. 'I'll do
exactly what you told me to... What was it you said?' Memory,
disbelief, shock, and finally horror flashed across his face.
'Oh yes, 'Eat me' wasn't it Chad?' He tried to run but at
three inches he was far too slow, I wrapped my hand around
the little fucker and lifted him to my face. 'You wanted to
kill me Chad. My turn to be the big man.' He screamed as I
grabbed him by a leg and dangled him over my mouth. Slowly I
lowered him down, letting him see his fate as he had let me
see mine. I smiled at him, flashing my teeth. Finally I
wrapped my lips around his waist. Just to disgust him I
licked his face with the tip of my tongue. He was so small I
could barely taste him and I had to work not to sheer him in
half with my teeth. Still I pushed him onto my molars and
threatened to crush him several times, enjoying his attempts
to squirm off them. Putting a fingertip to his jean clad ass
I pushed him into my mouth, and swallowed. I could feel him
kicking and struggling all the way down to my stomach and for
a few minutes afterwards. I went into a sexual ecstasy, I had
power, and I had control. I ran home and jacked off. I went
through the next day in a daze. Nothing could bring me down,
not even the incredible bandage I had over my nose. I had
control and no one was going to hurt me again. I didn't
notice the odd, startled looks the guys gave me in the locker
room. I went home, secure in the knowledge that I was safe.
Later, while I was doing my homework at home, I heard a knock
on the door.
Not really thinking about it, I opened to door, only to have
it slammed open in my face as three guys shoved their way in.
It was Scott, Mike, and Drew, all huge guys from my P.E.
class and all friends of Chad. Scott spoke first, 'So what
the hell did you do to Chad?' Anger ripped through me, so at
least one of them had KNOWN Chad was going to kill me, why
else would they have come to me? I should have expected as
much from these shitheads! 'What do think I COULD have done
to Chad you arrogant piece of shit?!?' I practically yelled,
'He was like a foot and a half taller than me and could bench
press a fucking horse!' Mike stepped up and grabbed me around
the throat, 'How dare you talk to us like that you fucking
cocksucker! We know you and your faggot friends jumped Chad
while he was going home last night.' I laughed hysterically,
'Going home?!? My ASS!' Mike's grip tightened, 'We're gonna
fuckin' kill your queer ass you fairy!'
Scott spoke up, 'Uh Mike? Are you sure... I mean, kill…' Drew
looked very uncomfortable, ‘Yeah, don’t you think…’ Mike
flashed a look at them and they subsided. I grinned, 'I don't
think so, fucker.' I opened myself to the rage and let the
power flow from that same tear in my being as last night.
There was a flash and I soon had three 3-inch jocks on my
floor.
I won't disgust you with the sexual details of what I did
with them that night, the truth is, I'm not sure I could
stomach those details myself as I write this. Suffice it to
say that I explored EVERY part of my body using theirs. In
the morning I was exhausted, and took the jocks downstairs
with me for breakfast. I discovered I was out of cereal. I
announced this to the guys, 'You wanted to know what happened
to Chad? THIS!' I grabbed Scott and tossed him into my mouth.
Without even pausing I bolted his struggling body, reveling
in the struggles as he slid down my tight throat. I lay Drew
on my hand and licked him up and down his hot squirming body
and then wrapped my tongue around him and pulled him into my
mouth. Rolling him around on my tongue I tasted his hard
sweaty body before swallowing him to join Scott. Finally only
Mike was left. 'Can't have breakfast without milk now can I?'
I smiled and, without waiting for a response I grabbed him
and dropped him into my glass of milk. I grinned down at him
and drank the milk. I never felt him go down, but he wasn't
in the glass when I finished and there was more squirming in
my stomach, goddamn I thought I would die! Smiling, I went
upstairs and lay on my bed. I jacked myself off and then fell
into a deep slumber.
The next week went by without much event for me. I went to
classes and came home, living my life as I had always done.
Then came Saturday... I was walking into town and I passed
the entrance to the college. There, laid out across the
ground, were wreaths and flowers and pictures and stories. In
shock I realized these were for Chad and Mike and Drew and
Brad. Numb and shaking I stepped up to the shrine. There were
pictures of the guys playing together as little kids,
cherubic faces beaming. A piece of paper caught my eye. It
was purple, and something was written on it in silver ink.
I loved you,
I loved you,
What else can I say?
You held me when I cried
When Mommy went away.
You held me
When Daddy cried
and stopped him when
he tried
to hit me.
I loved you Drew
Someday maybe
I'll see you and Mom in Heaven too.
But can you tell me one thing?
One answer bring?
Tell me: Why?
Was it because you
Wanted to kiss
Perhaps even marry
Another man?
I love you
I love you Drew
~Your sister Sarah
Below the poem the paper was tear stained. I broke into tears
right there. I cried and I cried and as my tears hit the poem
I flung it away, back down into the pile on the shrine. What
right had I to mingle my tears with those of this girl. This
girl who had suffered so much, how could I compare myself to
her? I sobbed and shook. Suddenly I felt a hand on my
shoulder. I turned to see an older man standing there. He
spoke, 'Were you a friend of Scott's? A great kid. Giving
himself to the community like that, volunteering to help the
middle school kids with their homework...' I broke away from
the man and ran.
I ran all the way back home. I hid in bed shivering and
wracked with misery. Exhausted I fell asleep. My dreams were
haunted by giant men and visions of myself grinning with an
axe held over a small girl's neck. I woke screaming. I doubt
anyone will believe this. It doesn't matter. I know it
happened. Chad was wrong, no doubt and I still feel that I
had to right to defend myself, but what right had I to play
God? If I had died no one would have cared much. I destroyed
so many families. Little children, and Sarah. I took away her
one protection. I was to caught up in my own anger to pay
attention. To busy being swallowed alive by my own hate and
self-pity. Belatedly I remembered Drew's silence in my
entryway and Scott's interruption. What if I had let him
finish? Would they really have let Mike kill me? Could I have
shrunk them to teach them a lesson and let them go? Would it
have mattered? Too many what if's... too many... I must
remove this power from the world, remove it to where it can't
hurt anyone anymore... Goodbye, and I'm sorry to those I
hurt. I leave everything to Sarah... Sarah... I'm sorry...
and it can never be enough... I'm sorry.
--------------
'What do you think Joe?' The blond cop looked up at his
partner. 'I dunno, schizo maybe? Problems definately.' Joe
looked up from making the tapeline and paused, 'What, you
don't think he was for real do you?' The blond cop paused,
'No I guess not, but... it's just that... it seems so
sincere... And if it's deemed the writing of a crazy man, the
girl won't get anything will she?' Joe looked up and pushed
back his hat, 'No, I guess not. Sad thing that.' The two
cops shook their heads and left. They couldn’t help but cry a
little. As always more young lives had been consumed by the
monster that was hatred, bigotry, and intolerance. Whether
Tad’s story was real or not, that they had died for the
stupidity of that monster was an undeniable fact.
-THE END
Note:
Sorry about the depression it isn't really mine... Someone on
the Big-Gulp board just got me thinking. That's how I seem to
justify my swallowings/killings in stories - I make them bad
guys. No one's ever right are they? It's never so black and
white as good guys and bad guys. The guys on the other end of
the gun have families too. It could be argued of course that
these guys should be taken out of the world for their crimes
but can one man really judge that? And should the reticent
Drew and reluctant Scott suffer as well? A society in which
Scott is practically forced to be overtly homophobic and
self-hating to survive… Just hoping to make people think a
bit...
~Pi